A letter to my philosopher friend

One reason why I am so interested in people who are philosophers or are studying or have studied philosophy is to be able to complement my views on life with what they know or have learned.

For a period of about 15 years or so, starting in about 1978, I studied questions related to "being" and my being. I continue studying those, but not so intensely, since I do not find many who are interested in constructive, non-dogmatic exchange of ideas. My own studies started with reading, voracious reading of non-standard texts dealing with issues of interest to me (being, life). I began with C. Castaneda's series and continued on with F. Capra, and many others. I occasionally delved into Plato, Aristotle, Bible, Talmud, Bhagavad Gita , and Qur'an, and engaged some who knew more about those than I did in order to learn from them.

I did all that until I was able to form a simple understanding of "being" which mostly satisfied me. That understanding, while influenced by what I learned from the outside sources, has mostly come from my own questioning of propositions offered in standard sources and resolving their shortcomings. My understanding can easily be characterized as "simplistic" but it has, in its core, withstood many challenges.

I continue to expose my understanding of "being" to challenges in order to perhaps come up with even deeper understanding or to uncover any fallacies built into it so that I may make it more complete. All that is important to me so that I may see more clearly the purpose of my life.

Regrettably, not many people in this society so very busy with "doing" are either interested in fundamental questions of "being" or willing to devote their time to them. Academic world is too restrictive for me. I started a Ph.D. program (in Computer Science) twice only to leave both times, unable or unwilling to deal with formalities, the prescribed paths to knowledge. Without a Ph.D., one's work is not as valued or given credence and can not support one's academic life especially where one's continuing existence in it is measured mostly by how much resources in form of grants one can bring to the institution. Even while I was in it, I could never qualify as a PI on any grant proposals - so I left.

I resort to engaging friends, like you, who at least have formal background, possibly indicating their interest, in studying questions of "being" in order to help me unravel my own ball of strings further. This can be a treacherous road for both since I thrive on asking questions and listening to answers. Many misunderstand my questions as challenges of their knowledge and easily get defensive. I know I am ignorant in many ways and wish to lift that veil of ignorance with a little help from my friends.

That's where those many questions come from - my thirst to understand life as seen by you (and others). As a matter of routine, I often try to imagine what life must be like living in someone else's skin. Each one of us is stuck with our own skin, which helps mold our view of life. It is endlessly fascinating to me to leave my own skin temporarily, even if only in my imagination, and taste other people's skins.

That's why I'd want to know about your childhood, for example. All those many little, seemingly irrelevant moments inevitably grow into pebbles of one's own life mosaic. The path that lead to your taking vows. Your eldest-child responsibilities, self-imposed or otherwise. All those are very uniquely yours, but also so utterly human thus contributing to what we call "human experience."

Life phases

About a year ago, in conversation with friends, it became clear to me how my life has evolved in phases - four of those phases so far - with transition periods in between. I do not know if those phases have any meaning to you, but they certainly summarize my life nicely.

Here are the phases of my life (so far) the way I see them: preparation, knowledge, truth, and beauty. I will likely write about those phases individually as I am inspired to write, but, in the nutshell,

Preparation lasted for approximately first 20 years of my life. During that period I heavily depended on my parents' support and learned the basics of life within limited environment dominated by my parents (and neighbors).

Next approximately 18 years were spent in acquiring knowledge, formal, organized knowledge as taught in schools and books.

What followed for the next approximately 17 years was my own, independent venture of truth discovery, my own truth about life and my place in it.

Finally, now I am in the beauty phase where I seek, appreciate, and create beauty and assist others in doing the same, for I believe that beauty ennobles one's soul and helps transcend the earth-bound existence, helps discover and apply one's true nature.

Argentine tango

There is a very small tango community where I live (I feel I do not need to say "Argentine" tango since that is the tango, other flavors need adjectives). It got going a few years ago and while we were all true beginners we were together.

As we progressed and developed skills and tastes we diverged into two or three sub-communities, each being quite small and each organizing its own dance and practice events. Nothing particularly wrong with that, it seems like a natural development. However ...

What is becoming a problem for me is that there is now a very limited number of partners with whom I'd like to dance and very little progress is made other than in a very small circle (I regularly practice with two partners and have a practica with 3-4 other dancers).

So, I'd like more tango opportunities and better quality too. I will need to travel more, I suppose, to neighboring communities.

New relationships

New relationships at this age seem to be tricky propositions.

First, there are so few interesting people around who are available and interested in broadening their circle of friends, not to speak of potential special/romantic relationship.

Than, I seem to be getting more and more picky in my choices and tastes. And, on top of that, I do not have much patience for superficial communications, for fluff. So, if I see someone even marginally interesting, I delve into personal stuff quickly. I really want to know about the person before establishing any sort of relationship.

Unfortunately, I get intense in this process of getting to know each other which scares most people away. By intense, I mean I do not play games, I ask questions, personal questions and am ready to share as well.

Sometimes I misread the clues of someone being just polite with me for being actually open to exploring.

As a result, I spend lots of time by myself. There are days when I do not speak with anyone the whole day. My work is such that I do not interact with others, other than perhaps electronically.

And, it's not that I feel I need or even desire company all the time, but, there are times when I'd like to share what comes to my mind with someone who is really interested in knowing what goes on inside of me. And that is so rare that I feel I will live my whole life without anyone really knowing me.

Also, I am a playful kind. I like playing, physically playing or goofing around verbally. I like smart-ass-ness in me and in others.

Maybe, that is not so unique. Perhaps, there are many people out there like me. How do I know?

Getting there

So, here I am. After resisting for quite a while, decided to start sharing some of my musings with whoever might come by and hopefully get some feedback and have some e-conversations. I will most likely write about current events, things that catch my attention around me, about tango, society, music, philosophy, photography, bicycling, walks in nature, Croatia, Peru, etc...

Let's see what happens ...